The Bird Lady of the North Woods

Some women smuggle newly acquired purses or shoes into the house — hoping the hubby won’t notice another addition to the never-ending shopaholic addiction.

I smuggle 40 pound bags of sunflower seeds, stashing them in dank, murky corners of the garage.
Hi, I’m Jacqueline Pine Savage and I’m addicted to feeding birds and squirrels.
You know you’ve become a hopeless addict of critter-feeding when you hide the fact that you just purchased another 40 pound bag of sunflower seeds from Fleet Farm. I didn’t even leave the evidence out in the open, but tucked it neatly behind the tires stored in the garage in front of my car.

“What did you buy at Fleet?” my husband asked, seeing the 4 cent gas coupon I’d deposited on the counter.

“Dog food,” I replied, after a brief conversation with myself.

INNER CONVERSATION:
I can’t tell him I bought bird seed because we already have a 40 pound bag. Yes, it’s on sale, but he’ll gripe that I already feed the birds too much and the squirrels even more. Our top squirrel count has reached 16, as they feast on the seeds on the ground beneath the feeder. I leave strategically placed piles of seed on the ground so they leave the feeder alone. I can’t cluster the piles too close or the squirrels will continually fight over the stash. But I can’t leave them too far apart or the discarded husks revealed by the spring melt will completely cover the back yard. And I didn’t lie — I DID buy dog food, too. He just never thought to ask if I bought anything besides the dog food and I already destroyed the receipt evidence.

“I bought more dog food — it was the Lab’s variety and on sale,” I repeated.
“That’s right,” he said, oblivious to my incriminating inner monologue. “They have her brand now. Good.”

“Very good,” I echoed. Very good, indeed.

And he’s not on Facebook, so if all my friends will just keep their mouths shut, my secret is safe.

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